ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
