Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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