yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
