You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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