she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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