Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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