I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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