he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
