Can i not drive my cunt home
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He shit in the fireplace
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
