I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
