Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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