Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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