I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
