You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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