Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
