Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
