There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
