A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
