literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and you said cock pushups were impossible
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
