Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
