Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
