I think I won the penis lottery.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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