I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
