I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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