how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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