Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
