The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
