pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
