Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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