my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
