she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
