I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
