I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
