hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
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i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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