You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
