im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
