my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
