I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
