that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I believe in your delicious
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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