apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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