if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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