Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
