maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
