Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
