just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
