He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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