When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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