i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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