I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
