dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Less talking, more tequila
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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