Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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