i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
