yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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