Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
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Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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