so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
