The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
