This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
