She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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